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THE OUT OF OFFICES

The short story is that I started writing slightly more engaging out of office messages each time I was away from my desk.  The long story is that someone challenged everyone in our industry to a) actually have an out of office and b) write something slightly more interesting than, 'I am away'.

What was meant to be just one tongue-in-cheek message to said person (you know who you are) became a series of out of office messages that have seriously tested my creative powers since the mid 2022s.

All the below out of office messages have existed as the actual real deal (checked for broken links only).  I have deleted the names of any existing people as well as their email addressses.  If you want my tip on how to read them, I would scroll down and start going up.

February 2024

Did you know that Remco is also an AMCIS Board Director? Did you know that the start of the new year always sees a lot of new vacancies on their jobs page? Are you looking for a new challenge, please read on.

In the meantime, the usual addressses apply in Remco's absence. xxx@ for any marketing emergencies and xxx@ if you'd like to sign up for an amazing independent boarding school.

 

Professional Sleeper - pays about £12k for 70 days as you sleep while NASA preps for travel to Mars and the effects of long-distance travel on the human body.

Teddy Bear Repair Technician - fix bears for Build-A-Bear and earn between £30k and £40k per annum.

Pro Queuer - arguably the most British job in the world. Get paid to queue so that the Apple Store looks busy. Earn around £100 a day to stand.

Golf Ball Diver - if the above is the most British job, this is the most Scottish job. Scottish frugality linked to their passion for golf. Earnings are around £150 a day.

Roof-snow Clearer - Based in Yellowstone National Park (another perk).  Accurate remuneration details are not available but it paid £10 a day back in the early 70s.

Chief Listening Officer - At £60k a year, this is the best paid job on the list. Listen to what people are saying about you, or your brand, on Social Media.  That's it.

Know any funky jobs I should add to the list - you know where to find me...

January 2024

It is said that after one week, we should stop saying Happy New Year, so apologies for the out-of-date out-of-office. The four is in the year and below you will see why this is potentially a good thing.


If you'd rather focus on professional matters, then please do get in touch with any of my colleagues if you require a quick answer. Admissions related questions: xxx@scarboroughcollege.co.uk. Marketing related questions: xxx@scarboroughcollege.co.uk. Remco will be answering emails but possibly with a slight delay (and not because his new year's resolution is to answer emails awfully slowly.


And... did you know that in...


2014 the first global agreement to tackle climate change was signed
2004 Gmail got launched (making this OOO possible)
1994 The first Eurostar ran between between England and France
1984 John Hughes directed his first ever film (Sixteen Candles)
1974 Remco was born


Happy 2024 - let's make it a good four.
 

December 2023

Thank you for your email.  He's out - again - and you're receiving this message. But do not fret, for you have options:

For Admissions queries, please contact any of his colleagues on xxx@scarboroughcollege.co.uk (and did you know you can apply online? No, try it here: https://scarboroughcollege.openapply.com/)

 

For Marketing queries, please contact his amazing new colleague xxx xxx@scarboroughcollege.co.uk).

 

For a really rather captivating game of Guess Where Remco Is, stay on this OOO and answer the following questions:

  1. If you are looking for Einstein's eyeballs, and why wouldn't you, you can find them here!

  2. Playing pinball was illegal until 1978 and the police would regularly control this.

  3. This place is home to more than 800 languages.

  4. It houses a superhero store complete with cape fitting room and invisibility testing centre.

  5. The first pizzeria was opened here in 1905.

  6. This is the birthplace of bingo.

  7. Jonas Bronck is one of this place's first settlers and a borough is named after him.

  8. One of its most famous squares used to be called Long Acre Square

  9. One of its most famous buildings has its own postcode (but they call it a zip code).

  10. If you were to line them up, the subway tracks stretch for well over 700 miles.

Answers on a postcard please! Or via email.

November 2023 (II)

Thank you for your email. Unfortunately, Remco has once again vacated the building for a little while and will not be back until Monday 27 November.  While he does have access to emails, replies may be somewhat slower than usual.

For more urgent replies about admissions and enquiries, please email xxx and xxx (xxx@scarboroughcollege.co.uk).

 

Little Known OOO Ninja Facts

 

  • The OOO Ninja got started because someone complained about the lack of out office messages.

  • I don't know how, where or when the Ninja bit was added.

  • One day, someone said on a Zoom that I had a funny OOO. Everyone started sending empty email messages to read it. Checking my messages in a taxi in Barcelona, I thought I'd been hacked because I suddenly had dozens of emails from other schools without a message or subject.

  • Everything I write in my OOO's is true.

  • I am running out of fun things to say...

November 2024 (I)

Random conversation with an 11-year-old.


11YO: Where are you going?
RW: London
11YO: Can I go?
RW: No, it's work. It's a fair.
11YO: What do you do?
RW: You sit at a table and talk to people.
11YO: That's boring
RW: Not really. You get to meet new peo - yeah, actually, you're right. It's boring.
11YO: Can you bring me a present?
RW: I am only going to London.
11YO: Yes, Hamley's.
RW: It's in Heathrow actually.
11YO: You're going to the airport?
RW: Well, not really. It's an airport hote - yeah, it's the airport.
11YO: ...
RW: ...
11YO: Can you bring me a present?
RW: I am only going away for two days and I am in Heathrow, so it's not like it's - yes, what would you like?


If you'd like to know the list of presents or if you'd like to donate, please leave a message. If you'd rather speak to someone about admissions, please contact xxx or xxx (xxx@scarboroughcollege.co.uk).  You can also enquire online (https://scarboroughcollege.openapply.com/)


Remco is back on Monday - with presents.

October 2023

Michael Scott Does OOO Replies

Thank you for your email. Remco is out of the office and won't be back for a while. While he will be picking up emails, he will also be in different time zones and, as such, your email might not dealt with in his customary lightning fast mode.

Should you wish to speak to someone urgently about admissions, please contact xxx or xxx (xxx@scarboroughcollege.co.uk).  You can also make your enquiry online (https://scarboroughcollege.openapply.com/)


***

As for this Out of Office's entertainment, please find some of the finest management advice, provided by one of the finest managers to have ever walked the rooftop of Dunder Mifflin.

"I'm Not Superstitious, But I Am A Little Stitious."

“Would I Rather Be Feared Or Loved? Easy. Both.”

“Make Friends First, Make Sales Second, Make Love Third. In No Particular Order.”

 

And Remco's all-time favourite: “And I Knew Exactly What To Do. But In A Much More Real Sense, I Had No Idea What To Do.”
 

September 2023

Thank you for your email. Remco is out of the office, here's an AI generated out of office message with a knock knock joke.


I'm currently out of the office on an epic adventure (editor's note: not true, I will be working).  While I am away, expect my responses to be as elusive as unicorns (editor's note: most likely, I will just be a little delayed).


For anything urgent, please knock knock on our Registrar's email door (editor's note: we'd like to stress this is not our joke. All we asked for was a knock knock joke). For a sneak peek at my escapades, follow me on Social Media (editor's note: why?).


Knock, knock.


Who's there?


Alpaca


Alpaca who?


Alpaca the sunscreen; we're headed for the mountains (editor's note: no, we're not)!


Thanks for your patience and catch you on the flip side!
 

March 2023

Thank you for your email.  Sometimes, Remco is in the office.

 

This is not one of those days.

 

Tomorrow is also not one of those days and Wednesday is looking pretty bad too.


Remco does have a habit of finding WiFi in the most unusual places and so may get back to you at some point sooner.  If you wish not to rely on his abilities to locate clandestine WiFi, please contact any of the following people:


xxx

xxx


Yours


El Jefe of Out of Office messages, the OOO Ninja
 

January 2023

Out of Office Ninja here. So we've had one or two complaints about how these Out of Offices were not appropriate for a school. I am sorry if the messages of the past year have caused offence (I am sorry - Remco really doesn't care).

 

In order to make amends, please find a list of Out of Office suggestions that are more suitable for a school environment. If you have no time for this, please contact xxx@scarboroughcollege.co.uk for any admissions enquiries or xxx@scarboroughcollege.co.uk for any marketing-related queries or concerns. Remco will be back on Monday.

List of OOO suggestions (let me know your fave and we'll run with that!)

 

Chemistry teacher OOO

I am out of the office, please leave a reaction.

 

French teacher OOO

I am out of the office - but I don't care (does this face)

 

Economics teacher OOO

As there is little demand for me to be in the office, I have left for the day. Please supply me with emails tomorrow.

 

Nursery teacher OOO

One, two, three, four, five,

I am running off at five

Six, seven, eight, nine, ten,

Then I won't be seen again

 

IT teacher OOO

I am out of the office. Please reboot your computer and try sending an email later.

 

Maths teacher OOO

One office worker leaves an OOO at 9.35. Another office worker leaves an OOO at 9.37.  If both send an email to each other at the same time. who will get the other's OOO sooner?

 

English teacher OOO (could be drama teacher OOO)

I am out of the office the present day but i shall returneth tom'rrow

 

History teacher OOO

I was out of the office.

 

And finally...

PE teacher OOO

(this)

December 2022

Oh snow! It's the Out of Office Elf! Normally you'd snow the drill. If you want to chat to someone, you've got to try Remco's colleagues but in the words of Slade: 'It's Chriiiistmaaaas!' So snow one is here.

Remco and his fellow reindeer (you know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen) will be checking their emails from time to time, so snow panic. We will eventually get round to answering your email.

To those of you who shamelessly sent an email only to check the Out of Office message: 'I like your style!'  You can take part in my Christmas quiz.  Answers on a postcard to the North Pole please, c/o S. Claus. Zero prizes to be won!  Absolutely none. 

  1. Which country started the tradition of Christmas trees (hint: rubbish at football)?

  2. In which country is it tradition to eat KFC for Christmas dinner (hint: Yeah, I OMG'ed too!)?

  3. If you're born on Christmas Day, what is your star sign (hint: Remco is one)?

  4. In which year was the first Christmas card sent (hint: 55 years before the invention of Scarborough College)?

  5. In the song 'The Twelve Days of Christmas' what is the gift on the seventh day (hint: very big, swim around a lot, can walk, white and black versions of them)?

  6. What is Iris's job in The Holiday (hint: who cares - stupid film)?

  7. What is the most common type of Christmas tree (hint: a type of tree)?

  8. How many Home Alone films are there (hint: more than one, fewer than ten)?

  9. What is the best-selling Christmas single ever, of all time, ever (hint: noooo, it's not Mariah)?

  10. In the Friends Episode 'The one with the Holiday armadillo', who dresses up as an armadillo (hint: either Chandler, Joey or Ross)?

Happy Holidays!
 

September 2022

Oh no!

 

Did you just spend two minutes on an email only to get this Out Of Office! Billions and billions of blue blistering barnacles! Say it ain't so. Don't worry - below are some tips on how to claw back your two minutes. If you'd like to get in touch with my colleagues, please have a look at this fun list of options:

 

Admissions Prep School, years 7 and 8: xxx@scarboroughcollege.co.uk

Admissions Senior School: xxx@scarboroughcollege.co.uk

Marketing... things: xxx@scarboroughcollege.co.uk


Now, if you'd like to have a crack at getting back the two minutes you lost, writing that email to me, here's a list of suggestions that may work:

  1. Travel back in time. Stephen Hawking said it cannot be done but what did he know, right?

  2. Cook your pasta more al dente than ever before. Save two minutes.

  3. Sleep in your clothes and wake up already dressed. Save two minutes.

  4. Walk your dog downhill. Seriously, it works; the angle is too difficult for them. Make sure you've got a gradient higher than 18% and save two minutes.

  5. As you are tidying the kitchen in the evening, make yourself a cup of tea. Put the tea aside and heat up in the microwave the following morning. Multitaskingly save two minutes.

  6. Don't read this list. Save two minutes. Maybe more.

  7. Set all the clocks in the office and leave two minutes early. Been done before but hey, any excuse to share this.

  8. That video ↑ ... Two minutes... just saying.

August
2022

Right so, we've officially come to the end of the inspirational out-of-office options and we've only got the slightly uninspirational ones left (thanks Google - yeah, thanks for nothing!). It's the best I can do at this point...

 

Admissions Prep School, years 7 and 8: xxx@scarboroughcollege.co.uk

Admissions Senior School: xxx@scarboroughcollege.co.uk

Marketing... things: xxx@scarboroughcollege.co.uk

Cold calls: 

 

I am back again on 17 August. Until then, I leave you with a slightly uninspirational message:

An OOO demotivational

July
2022

Although it is often said, there's no place like home, I have decided to go on a lovely holiday. Surely, you can't be serious, you say.  I am.  I said to my wife, Show me the money; the holiday money.  I thought to myself, I am going to make her an offer she can't refuse.  She said, Go ahead, make my day!

 

So it's off to Italy we go.  But just in case you're worried, I'll be back.  So Fasten your seatbelts and May the force be with you.  I will be back on 27 July.

 

Until then, if you'd like to speak to someone in the Admissions department, please contact xxx@scarboroughcollege.co.uk. If you'd like to speak to someone in the Marketing department, please contact xxx@scarboroughcollege.  If you read this email, it is unlilkely that I will...

 

Have a lovely summer!

 

Remco

 

Ps. Guess all eight films and win a chocolate bar!

June
2022

We're off to do this Jubilee thing. Two full days of Bank Holiday followed by two full days of weekend. Hands up if you feel that a three-day working week is the way to go!

 

If you, like me, are celebrating Queen Elizabeth's Platinum Jubilee; then perhaps you'd like to get into the spirit of things with this little playlist I have made. If you are working the next two days, perhaps you can run it in the background.

 

The playlist is a mix of very royal songs that start off in the 80s and then end up in Continental Europe via a detour of easy listening and country. Check it out here:  https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7ccmtCbKXzy10oRQvPieDI?si=8b76115592ff433c

 

The Royal Out of Office Ninja

April
2022

If you receive this, I am being held in a basement somewhere along London's Embankment. I am not alone and there is more caffeine here than there was at Fidel Castro's stag do. They won't let me go until tomorrow afternoon, when the Study Travel London event finishes.

 

For any admissions queries and a friendly face: xxx@scarboroughcollege.co.uk

If you'd rather wait and have a distinctly less friendly face (according to some): I am back on Wednesday.

 

Enjoy your week ahead

 

Remco (and his OOO Ninja)

April
2022

"Hey how ya doin'

Sorry ya can't get through

Why don't you leave your name and your number

And I'll get back to you

Hey how are ya doin'

Sorry ya can't get through

But leave your name and your number

And I'll get back to you"

 

https://youtu.be/6-JOVXZePQk?t=29

 

It's Easter and the OOO Ninja is taking over. Speaking of Easter, did you know our film Opening Doors for Life has a couple of very cool Easter Eggs hidden it. Find all three and you win a prize:  https://youtu.be/rZ2oWWJY2Us.

 

That is, I think there are three. If there are four, then find all four.

 

For other fun facts about Easter, check this blog. Did you know that Cadbury's makes 500 million Cream Eggs every year? Do you even care?

 

Where should you look for presents at Easter? Wherever eggs marks the spot.  For any truly eggciting emails that cannot wait, please contact xxx or xxx on xxx@scarboroughcollege.co.uk.

 

Have a lovely Easter!

February 2022

Here we go again!  Remco is out on his travels and the Out-Of-Office Ninja is hijacking the inbox.

 

It has come to the point where people are actually hoping for Remco to be away from his desk.  This wouldn't be such a great tragedy, if this did not also apply to his colleagues, who are also hoping he's not in the office. It would appear that everyone is keen for Remco to be away. So a more demure and low-key OOO this time.

 

Enquiries & very keen students: xxx@scarboroughcollege.co.uk

Marketing & positive vibes: xxx@scarboroughcollege.co.uk

This message again: xxx@scarboroughcollege.co.uk

Random error message: [anytext]@scarboroughcolllege.co.uk

 

Best wishes and Remco will be with you again from 22 February.

January 2022

The Out-Of-Office Ninja is sharing his playlist:

  1. For people who are happy to wait for Remco to return to his desk (it should not be long - allegedly, he's not on holiday): https://youtu.be/0vU22YUocHs?t=3605

  2. For people with a question about our IB science: https://youtu.be/l69Vi5IDc0g

  3. For questions about our English department: https://youtu.be/7oeNELlEQjM

  4. For questions about what geography are up to this week: https://youtu.be/kRh1zXFKC_o?t=45

  5. For people who need an urgent answer to an admissions question: xxx@scarboroughcollege.co.uk

  6. For people who need an urgent answer to a marketing question: xxx@scarboroughcollege.co.uk

  7. And for all you cold callers: https://youtu.be/b5ziRrDBUwk

 

See you upon my return! Monday 31 January 2022.

December 2021

The out-of-office Ninja strikes again! This time, Remco is not away on a business trip. No, he's away doing absolutely nothing.  Now, you may think this is not fair, just or deserved and so the out-of-office Ninja has now got two options for you.

 

If you think this is fair, just and deserved, then please contact his colleague xxx@scarboroughcollege.co.uk or xxx@scarboroughcollege.co.uk

 

If you think that this unfair, not just and definitely not deserved, then please call him on his mobile or send him another email just in case.

 

Oh, and tell him to stop talking about himself in the third person singular. It's weird.

 

Merry Christmas all!

 

Remco

July 2021

Hi there

 

Bad luck! You've reached Remco's out-of-office reply, which will be on for at least two days (until Monday 2 August). This now means you have three choices, so choose wisely.

  1. You can wait until Remco comes back. It should be Monday when his on-leave meter runs out and he's usually pretty good at responding, but you already knew that.

  2. You can contact his colleague xxx@scarboroughcollege.co.uk) because your question is admissions related.

  3. You contact Remco on his mobile phone because it's urgent

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